Even the Upper Class is Keeping it a Secret
Domestic Violence Statistics
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence:
“1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. This includes a range of behaviors (e.g. slapping, shoving, pushing) and in some cases might not be considered ‘domestic violence.’"
“On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men.”
It happens in the most Affluent Relationships -
But We Hide it to Save our Reputations
Intimate Relationships…they can be tricky at times. Disagreements happen, of course, but the trick is having complete control over our emotions at all times.
I have had hundreds of women confide in me that, to the outside world, they have project a very high-quality, loving, successful relationship, which they do indeed have, but they also have a ‘secret.’
They feel mortified and shameful about what goes on behind closed doors. Escalated arguments, screaming, throwing things, and even getting into physical confrontations…and they tend to think they're the only ones who are going through this.
They feel like they're living a lie, and putting on an act in public. They don't want to be labeled as abusive or admit they have domestic violence or emotional abuse within their relationship, so the secret stays hidden under lock and key.
When we look at the statistics, 80% of assaults happen from someone we know. This is a HUGE statistic. Included in this are even the most loving relationships that struggle when it comes to conflict resolution, and it leads to violence of some sort.
They truly are very kind, intelligent, successful couples who care deeply about one another, and…they struggle with conflict resolution skills. Just like we aren't born knowing how to solve math problems, we also have to learn the skills and techniques of how to resolve conflict in our personal relationships.
Conflict Resolution Strategies
Femininity IS Strong - Feminine vs. Masculine
I've lived this ‘secret’ of domestic violence. I used to "get baited into arguments"... until I made this shift for myself.
So many of us women believe that we have to shift into a hard masculine energy to get things accomplished or when we’re faced with an argument. I've heard so many times that people see feminine energy as "weak."
What I invite you to do is think of someone you admire who is an accomplished, feminine woman. Examples I hear often are Princess Diana, Angelina Jolie and Robin Wright.
They exude femininity while still impacting the world, living as high achievers, taking a stand for what they believe in, and they have no problem setting calm, non-emotional, assertive boundaries because they understand their own value.
A huge part of avoiding escalating a situation that could lead to violence or emotional abuse is knowing our own value, and not reacting from emotion.
You have a choice!
We can choose to stay in our "High-Value Woman" state rather than slipping into our little girl reactions.
It is possible to remain in your core femininity, and still be a high achiever and driven. It’s simply a subtle difference in our approach. Setting non-emotional, firm boundaries is still feminine.
When a disagreement starts to escalate, high-value women, like those mentioned above, choose to set verbal boundaries and redirect rather than shifting into their ‘little girl tantrum like state’ or their hardcore protective or ego-driven masculine with a strong need to be right.
It's amazing how many arguments and escalations that can be avoided this way. Doing your part to keep the disagreement from escalating is a huge part of the success of resolving the conflict, and avoiding the potential of emotional-driven violence.
A Healthier Approach - Prepare a Few Statements
Rather than reacting out of anger, we can respond calmly with some prepared statements that can help deescalate a statement that is heading down the path of escalation.
It keeps the power in our hands.
We can calmly say something along the lines of, “Hunny, I love you, and could we both decide to not yell at one another tonight? Our relationship is worth more to me than this one issue, so let’s work through this together rather break one another down.”
Then if it continues to escalate, set a non-emotional boundary, and end the conversation or leave if necessary to let things settle down. Don’t let yourself get ‘sucked in.’
Feeling Incongruent Leads to Frustration and Resentment
Of course, there are many women who are masculine in their core, which is absolutely beautiful; however, the majority of women are feminine in their core, yet wear a protective mask of masculinity; typically triggered by a deep rooted fear we have.
The challenge with that is that we end up feeling incongruent and we start to lose touch with who we really are.
It causes a sense of frustration that sometimes we don't even have an awareness of. This affects our intimate relationships, friendships, finances, health, careers and so much more.
Doing some research and work around digging into your core femininity can help you take off those ‘protective masks.’ The more we settle into who we are in our core, the less frustration we feel, and the more control we have over our emotions.
Wrapping it Up
The next time you face a challenging situation, or a disagreement with your significant other, I challenge you to stay in your high-value calm yet assertive feminine energy rather than shifting into a masculine energy that is coming from a place of control or fear.
Think about that one strong, feminine person you admire, and how they might handle a situation. Choose to set non-emotional healthy boundaries rather than protecting yourself with walls, or pushing for control of a situation.
This can deescalate a disagreement before it even gets started.
Domestic violence is more common than we even understand. Using these simple concepts can be one piece of the puzzle to lowering these daunting statistics.
The more we choose this calm, assertive approach, the more we avoid emotions from running high, therefore, avoiding escalated arguments that can lead to violence.
Choose you because, as always, you are worth saving, and no disagreement is worth putting you at risk. You are absolutely a High-Value Woman. Look in the mirror every single day, and say that to yourself until you believe it with your whole heart.
Much love and respect to you my sweet friend,
Other Resources for You Related to this Blog!
1. Domestic Violence Hotline
2. Book: Emotionally Abusive Relationship -
How to stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
3. National Coalition Against Domestic Violence